Twice Blessed

well this site has been parked here on idle for quite some time. i've written many drafts but am so behind and not sure if i will update it entirely. but i needed a place to say something and so here it is. the few people that might see this, i think, will understand that while i haven't updated anyone in a long time, i needed to place THIS post here.

*deepak and grandpa in our garage in oregon, 2005*
*photo of mom the day she lost dad but gained a future apo*
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dad, you would have been 72 this year, feb 12th. i've been thinking of you alot lately. it seems to come in waves, where i will think of you so much over a period of time and then not so much and then quite a bit for awhile again. as hard as it is, i think it's easier for me. i am removed from walking into a home everyday where you no longer are. the reminders that you are gone do not surround me the way they do mom and john.

i had to write because the feelings are overwhelming and i need a place to set them down and organize them. even though growing up i always knew you probably wouldn't live to see me into my later adulthood, it doesn't make it any easier that you are not here. it's a huge part of why amit and i started our family straight away. his dad is your age too. i never knew my grandparents. i hope to live to know my own grandchildren well into their lives.

when you were alive we would jokingly insult one another saying "you got that from dad" or "that's what dad would do", now we gladly claim what traits of yours we might see in ourselves or in our children. "deepak is adventurous like grandpa", etc. whenever i watch law & order or without a trace, i think of how you enjoyed all those shows as i do. how you would always figure out who did it. how you would look at the time and say "it's the wrong guy, there's 35 minutes left, it's too early to solve the case now"

when i brush the kids hair over their ears or when amit moves my hair off of my shoulders, i think of how every week you would move my hair off of my shoulders as you'd stand behind me in line for communion at sacred heart. i knew it was coming and i dreaded it and you knew it and you would do it anyway and laugh.

i know in your own way, you see us. but there's so much i wish you had been around for me to share with you. deepak's success in school, having him read to you on the phone the way he does to mom. losing his first teeth, having a video of him air on cnn, his being in the school spelling bee, him rock climbing a huge wall with no fear - which of course made us think he might take after you and one day deep sea dive or sky dive as you did so many times.

i wish you could have heard from me that i was pregnant again, that we were having a girl. i wish you could have laid eyes on her. i felt your presence with us while i was in the last stage of labor. i kept hearing my name and would say "what is it" to amit and he would say he had said nothing. i wish she could have squeezed your finger just once. i wish i could have presented her to you with the surprise of her chosen middle name - sanjana georgette. the same way we surprised mom after deepak's birth, announcing him as deepak leod - in honor of her father, my lolo.

i wish that you could see her and deepak together, the big boy he has become, the loving and protective brother. she's half his weight, yet he can bend over and pick her up from the floor and properly carry her across a room, with ease. i wish you could see her mouth full of teeth, her cheeks that can not go unnoticed, her intensely dark and beautiful, brown eyes. i wish you could hear her and deepak laugh together and take turns screaming in the car - a favorite game of theirs.

i wish you could have come to oregon again, when it was snowing. i can't think of the last time in your life that you would have seen snow. you never thought a socal christmas was complete, it was too warm, too sunny. i remember how we wanted snow and you made icicles out of some liquid stuff that became hard, and you put them outside around our house. i remember how meticulously you put the lights up each year and the christmas city you would build inside. one year, despite being in the wheelchair already, you built the whole thing - just so deepak could see the lights and the ice skaters being pulled magnetically across the glass pond.

i'm sorry i didn't make it home in time to say goodbye to you. i was just half a day too late. you should have waited for me. mom said that you would have not wanted me to see you that way, but everyone got to say goodbye except for amit and & i. even tania and patricia saw you at the hospital. tania pretended to be your step daughter so that she could pester your doctor for inforomation mom was too tired to extract, in true tania form she got her answers, lol. you were gone so fast after we learned that you were so sick. i know that you were in pain and i am thankful that it was not stretched out over a long period of time.

when i came home the day you died it was the same day i told mom that i was pregnant with sanjana. i don't know how any of us would have gotten thru losing you, had we not had new life to look forward to. i don't think i could have stood and read a passage at your funeral had i not had that new life growing inside of me.

you would have gotten a kick out of deepak at the mass the night before your funeral. when the priest greeted him, i don't think he expected deepak to go into a full on conversation with him. and when i cried loudly and uncontrollably at the services, it was he who put his hand on mine, who told me that it was ok. it was deepak who said that you were not in pain anymore, that you could walk again. it was deepak who made me smile by saying that you were probably reincarnated into someone who was living in hawaii.

i miss you dad. amit misses you so much too. he has been closer to you than he has to his own dad. he always said that he could tell you anything and he enjoyed the time when he was commuting from la to portland and living with you guys 2 weeks out of the month. i'm so glad he had all that time with you, hanging out in the garage at night, talking, debating.

i don't know what else to say. something just overcame me and instead of crying while i talked it out to myself in my head, i thought i'd cry while i typed it out and it has helped.

this is a copy of a note i typed to myself in the hospital. yes i was so on my mac while i was in labor!

checked into the hospital at 8pm. got changed into a gown, filled out paperwork. got an iv and a heartbeat and contraction monitor put on.
dr davis came after 9pm and broke my water. was having minor contractions even before the pitocin, a tad stronger since the pitocin has been
turned on but nothing too bad yet. they are strong for sure but i'm kind of laughing thru them because i know what is coming. it's 5 minutes to 11pm. my nurse's name is kayla and she is amazing. she's funny and caring and i feel
so lucky to be in this hospital. i asked so many questions that spurred from my experience of having dee and this hospital is so different. they are
so into family bonding, even if i have a c-section they will make sure i get to nurse my baby girl right away.

i am scared! but i am much more calm than when i arrived. i can't wait to hold our daughter in my arms. i can't wait for my mom and deepak to meet
her.

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my birth story as recalled ten days postpartum.

by midnight the contractions were noticably stronger. i was able to breathe and relax into them. i told myself in 1 hr i would consider the epidural. the contractions were becoming harder. i tried sitting in a chair, rocking my hips, nothing helped. i only found comfort in leaning into amit. 1am passed and the contractions were strong enough for me to get loud. i groaned loudly into them, still putting off the epidural. the external fetal heartbeat monitor wasn't staying on so an internal monitor was placed on sanjana'a head. this part was extremely painful combined with my continuing contractions.

around 2am i decided to give in and have the epidural. the anesthesiologist dr. t was amazing and sweet, even though it took over half an hour to place the epidural. each attempt required another shot of local. i was having strong contractions the entire time. as soon as it was placed, i had a few more contractions and then relief. i went to sleep, i so needed it, i was exhausted. amit took a nap too.

prior to the epi, my cervix was determined to be at only 4cm. we had quite a way to go and it felt like things were progressing so slowly. in the morning kayla came to say her shift was ending and she wished me luck. my new labor nurse was mary. when my cervix was examined at 8:30am by dr. davis he said "good news, you're 8cm" i couldn't believe it, but i also knew it was no guarantee that we'd avoid a c-section. he said i'd need to progress to 10cm by 10:30am. i started to feel pressure on my bottom, the epidural dulled it but it was definitely there.

at 9:20 i was 10cm! mary said it was time to start pushing. she told me to take a quick breath in, push while amit counted to ten, quick breath out, quick breath in an do it again two more times. she said i was moving the baby down the birth canal! i pushed with each contraction, sanjana's heartrate was rising above the desired level. mary went to call dr. davis. she took quite awhile. i was sure they were preparing for a c-section. amit and i continued to work together and he counted and loved me thru each contraction and series of pushes. when mary returned she couldn't believe how much progress we'd made.

dr. davis came and was so excited for us. it seemed like in no time there was a mirror in the room and we could see our daughter's head crowning. it was unbelievable. what i'd wanted for all these years, another child, a vaginal delivery, it was happening. i pushed and pushed until he said with the next contraction not to push. her head was out! he turned her shoulder and i heard him say "can we have a warm blanket?" i knew she was about to be on my tummy! she was fully delivered and placed on me while they cleaned her up. we heard her cry! i was so overwhelmed, it was unbelievable, amazing and has changed my life forever.

her 1 minute apgar was 8 and her 5 minute apgar was 9. when she was wiped off she was placed on my chest and she was just calm and content to be with her mama. i was so full of joy, i still am. she was weighed at 7.3 lbs, 21.5 inches long and a 13.5 inch head. she was beautiful and amazing. she was given a bath and i dressed her in a gown.

shortly after delivery amit went home to get mom and deepak to meet the newest addition to our family.

everyone in the hospital was so positive and supportive. kayla came back that evening and was my postpartum nurse for a short while before she had another laboring mother to attend to. she walked in and said the first thing the head nurse told her when she came in was how everyone was amazed at the successful vbac. everyone was sure i would end up in surgery. kayla called me a rock star-which was great for my ego, lol, other nurses congratulated me on what they called a great accomplishment. it was such a positive experience, i don't ever want to forget how it made me feel. but i want to use the energy in moving forward. i have been so blessed with two amazing children. it truly is overwhelming. my heart could just burst.

somehow the last portion of this vid got cut out, she did it twice but it only shows once!

*from the second paragraph on, this is my birth story as i shared it with an old friend just last month. the next post has a note i actually wrote to myself in the hospital and her birth story in more detail as i wrote it shortly after*

most of you are familiar with deepak's birth story. if not,
the short version is that i had a traumatizing emergency c-section. honestly had it just been a c-section, it would not have been so traumatizing. sure nothing on my birth plan was followed but it was the post-delivery e.coli that caused me so much distress.

anyway, i always knew i wanted a VBAC for subsequent births, i had done research and spoken with the head of ICAN (int'l cesarean awareness network) in los angeles years ago. however, years of failed attempts to conceive had broken my spirit some. when i finally was pregnant, i was so grateful i would have went along with pretty much anything. but when i was about 5/6 months, i knew i would no longer just agree to go along with a repeat c-section. luckily my doctor was on board, despite my narrow pelvis and the other variables that were working against me.

i had to compromise, i was induced 11 days early which i know really knocked my chances. he told me chances were slim that it would be successful. the "rules" require the doc to be within 5 minutes of me thru the entire process so to give me the best chance we did it on the only days he was on call downtown two days in a row. he spent the night at the hospital waiting to see how my labor would progress.

i was induced at 9:30pm and my water was broken. hours later and minimal progress. i checked into the hospital at 8pm after a long day and was so tired. i kept saying i'd have the epi after the next contraction. pitocin contractions suck! they are almost instantly overwhelming. i held out only five hours and then had the epi. i slept for 3 hours which was so wonderful. at 6am i was still only 4cm so it was not looking good for me. and once i hit active labor (it felt pretty freaking active before the epi but wasn't productive) i had to progress a centimeter an hour or i'd have a c-section. at 8am my doc came and said i was 8cm, but i was 7cm with dee so i didn't get my hopes up. if i wan't 10cm by 10am it was over. at 9:20 i was 10cm and i started pushing. the babies heart rate was not where they wanted it and my nurse left to call the doc, i kept pushing while she was gone, about 20 minutes, i knew they were thinking of prepping for a c-section but when she came back with the doctor i had moved sanjana thru me and she was coming. my doctor was so encouraging and wonderful and everyone was so happy for us - they later told us none of the staff thought it would be a successful vbac, i was like famous in the maternity wing lol! sanjana was born on april 15 at 10:24 am, it was sunny and peaceful and so overwhelming. it changed our lives, both amit and i. my mom was at our house with deepak and he left to pick them up.

i asked if i could pee and it was so wonderful to have given birth, have my daughter laid on me, i got to keep her until i was ready for her to be weighed and cleaned up. i got up and walked! i don't know if you know how wonderful that is after last time having a c section and having the first time you even sit up be pain worse than labor was. i took a shower, i walked around, it was wonderful. when she was born i just kept telling her that we did it! we watch her birth video every day now, deepak is really interested. i told him if we have another baby he can be there. it's good he wasn't this time, he was very timid the first few days.

i don't feel i was any less connected to deepak for how he was born but all the pain of that completely washed away with this experience even though i had no expectation of that happening. i was disappointed that i didn't do it drug free but instead choose to hold on to the success of the vbac instead. in the end i was absolutely not relaxing into the contractions and i don't think i would have had the vbac if i had continued as i was. being able to rest made such a big difference in how i felt.

i love telling people i had a vbac, it means so much to me and so many people tried to scare me out of it. i am still in shock and just love thinking of those moments and how it all changed our lives :)

and that's my story!

i owe like nine months of updates here. since my last post i've gone thru an entire pregnancy and now have an 11 week old daughter. the short version is that besides he normal challenges of pregnancy, it was wonderful and healthy. i didn't even gain a pound until the third trimester and gained 17 lbs overall.

i was induced 11 days early, a compromise with my ob who agreed to attempt a vbac with me. my vbac was beautifully successful and sanjana was delivered on april 15, 2008 @ 10:24am. she was 7lbs 3oz, 21.5 inches long. her 1 minute apgar was 8 and her five minute was 9. i was pretty terrified after my first child's birth experience but it was so amazing and wonderful and i couldn't have asked for anything more. and to think i actually thought it might not be possible to love someone as much as i love deepak. it's just twice as intense having two amazing children to love and watch grow.

i thought it would all feel like i was doing it for the first time but it really all comes back to you and it's so much easier this time around......amit is as busy as ever but works from home so i can actually take a shower every morning. cosleeping and breastfeeding are going wonderful, her days and nights have been straight from the get go and we are so in tune to one another. when i read the baby newsletters that talk about not yet understanding your baby's cues i am so happy that i can't relate to that. there are not the late nights of crying experienced with deepak, thank goodness!

we are all so in love with our amazing baby girl. here are some pics of my journey thru pregnancy. will update more soon. love.

So, like I said in my last post, we are expecting our second child. Finally! After three years of trying. So many times I thought it could just never happen. We're so blessed to have Deepak, who is so extraordinarily amazing, and we are so happy that he is becoming a big brother.

I was sick for a few weeks but I thought it was from the stress of finding out that my dad had cancer. Once we planned our trip home to Cali I wanted to take a test first, just in case, so that if it was positive I could tell Dad. When it came up positive, I did not believe it, I didn't even believe the second test. I headed to the midwife's office straight away and was in shock to finally be pregnant. I never really connected with the midwife so as soon as I got the positive result, I made my first prenatal appt with another OB in the same practice.

I surprised Amit by leaving a gift box in the mailbox with the positive test inside. I told my mom over dinner once we arrived in California. Unfortunately we didn't arrive in time for me to tell my dad but my brother told him for me before he passed. I told Deepak "There's a baby growing in mommy's tummy." and he said "You mean you're pregnant?"

He is so excited and loves to rub my belly and tell the baby secrets. He thinks it's a sister because that would maintain our boy/girl pattern.......mom, dad, dee, sister, ace the dog (boy), lily the cat (girl).

The baby is due April 25th and will likely be born via scheduled c-section. I'm so so so so excited and terrified a little. Deepak will be almost six by then, I really feel like I'm doing it over for the first time in many ways. But I think I'm doing a pretty fabulous job with Dee so I'm not TOO worried ;)